It's sad to know how lies are so inherent to someone that he or she can even premeditate future events like letting go of some beloved one really disgusts me, the worse is actually reading stuff like this...
"One of the important lessons in life, is learning to let go.
Letting go of those things in life which does not serve us anymore or gives pain. It can be anything like abusive relationships, negative people around, feelings for your ex or beloved one who passed away etc. But one needs to learn to let go in order to grow and free oneself from the shackles of hurt, pain, tension, anger.
If one wants to live a life full of happiness, love, peacefulness, one needs to learn to let go.
Maybe we cannot change the situations happened in the past but surely we can Forgive and change our perspective about it and try to move on."
Indeed is time to move on, to flay away, to return Home, 'cause home is a place where you feel safe, where you're needed and where you're loved.
I'm on that path now, and hopefully I'll be home for Christmas if not sooner... For now inside I still have a mix of Love, Hate and a lot of other mixed feelings, but one of them truly shines on me currently... Disgust, put he's accompanied by pity, sadness and sorrow.
I still care, but that's really not enough for me now, or better I really do not know if I still care of not as my emotions are pumping... It's actually sad, to gaze me and see all this scars made by all the promises made, by all the laughs and tears shared...
I honestly didn't think that it was possible to have all of those feelings for anyone at the same time, well... now I do. And I really do not like those, but in one way or another their part of the process of mourning someone who died, or at least died for you...
It's sad, but true, that I really wish her all the best, I really wish her to live a life full of happiness, love, peacefulness, but.. and there's always a big but... then why all that crap, all the lies, all the time spent and all the money invested in this "home".
From my heart and soul, what I really want to say it's a big FUCK YOU... I do not want to see you anymore, so please, disappear from my life once and for all... but, again the fucking but is on my way... I really cannot do that, even if I should, but there's responsibilities, legal responsibilities that were made.
And I know that will make me violent scars that aren’t be healed that easily, after all I lost my ability to trust someone, and I trusted her, like I haven’t trusted anyone before, as she was the one that truly knew me all.
Yeah, I know that I’m easy to read, why the fuck all of this… really gosh.. I really should have been waiting for this, after all, if the things started as they did, why with me it should have been different. I was really naive to believe that I could change someone for the better, mostly when the only thing that someone knows is broken.
But that’s just me, the stupid one that still loses his sleep cause of her, yeah the stupid one that has his head bursting with pain… the stupid one that is having, as he write this, trouble breeding.. yeah that’s me… oh.. the stupid me… that should have been sleeping by now, but he can’t…
Never mind this rant, as I was saying I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried. I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life. So yeah, for now I stay with my scars that continue to growth every day, But I’m strong, and I will survive this one way or another, I’m still sad, but at least I’m not living in a lie anymore. I know it’s over, and I accept it, and I really wish that you disappear from my fucking life… at least for now... ‘cause I really cannot say forever as I do not know what the future holds.
But yeah, for now, I really would like not seeing you everyday in my fucking live, and I am not talking about my upcoming vacations, I’m talking about the rest of the year, so please, before our “friendship” ends completely, if we ever had that, please fire yourself from that fucking workplace… In our “house” I will be obliged to see you until our situation is legally solved, but hey, not in my workplace, please…
And yeah, you know that I will eventually reappear in your live, after all we have a furry offspring that I refuse keep from you, as you know someone made that to me in the past and I still have the scars of that today, so I will not take our offspring from you, but honey, if you truly care for me as you say disappear please… Fire yourself from that place… And let’s solve this fucking legal thing once and for all… I know it will not be pretty, it will hurt, but if not for you, for me, it’s a necessary step to do...
I dunno, if you’re gonna read this, but if so, sorry If my words hurt you… sorry.. this word seems to be one of the hardest to say to someone one, but I’m sorry for many things my dear, and I believe that I will be sorry for writing this runt… but you see, this was stuck inside wanting to be free… so yeah, sorry if I do care about you, sorry if I asked for you to do something you do not want to do, sorry, if i still love you (and i honestly cannot say I do right now), sorry for my words, sorry for the lies, sorry for the omissions, sorry for my actions in the past, sorry for all the shattered tears, sorry for all the pain, sorry for living a life devoted to you to try to make you happy, and sorry for my failure to make yourself happy.
What i’m not sorry was for all the good moments, the laugh and love that I gave you… Those camed from my heart and soul… But as all good things must came to an end… This one did, it was good, it will be missed, at least for while, but in the end that doesn’t even matter. Anyway, or whatever, nor now i’ll keep liking my scars trying them to heal and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day...
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