Brand new start

I often write in English when I'm more stressed or pissed with the world, but today I'm just writing for sport, I'm trying with all my breath retake my life back from a huge drawback I had a month, month and an half ago, I'm lost in time, sorry about that.

I'm really trying to rediscover myself, but it's not easy, as I'm not lost, what I am is really undiscovered, and no not talking about that music lyric, I'm talking about me. After all today, I'm in the spotlight, even if I do not think I am. But that's just me, I'm super insecure of me, and it's all right, you would be too if you lost your ground, if you had lost your dreams and your beliefs. But more so, I losted the trust that I usually put in the persons surround me and in myself.

Yes, I was depress, yes I was down, and yes I'm still anxious inside my soul, but everyone is telling me that this is just a phase, this is going to go away, and I might even know that, but I cannot feel that, and I even now as I'm trying to reach out my protective bubble that I placed around me, I still not feel myself.

Yeah, time heals all, so true… but time is not my friend, never was, I was always out of time, or using borrowed time even, so what should I do next? I don't know, if I went for the logical path, I might just go fucking and partying all I can to shake this feeling off me, but then what? I do not what that life's back, I'm not just like that anymore, yes I've done that, and hell yes, I was good at that, but there's more in life that parties and fucks.

That would just give me some moments of great ecstasy, but then what, in the end of the day or in the next morning the void that I would get would devastated me. i know that, I have been down that road before. So no, I refuse to go to that path again, no matter what, no matter how my body and my soul are demanding to have a crazy night of fuck to release the frustrations and to reenergise me.

I do not need that, I need more, hell I deserve more, I've paid all my dues, I tried my best, I learned with past mistakes, and I've made peace with myself, and i'm trying to move on with my live. To do this, I must become someone else, I must become something else. (I believe that I've read this sentence somewhere else...) Something better, i must learn to master my inner emotion and self-control my inside pain and open my eyes to see beyond it.

It's no easy task, but a necessary one, Fuck I'm too much dependent on other, and I always where, it's not that I do not know to do things all by myself, I do, and better than most, it's just that I'm afraid to fail in those, so that lack of confidence, or insecurity in me makes me a little pain in the arses of many people, as I usually demand too much, cause I rely on them, not to do things for me, but just to be there in case things gone wrong.

They usually go wrong due to that, and that is what i'm trying to change, but I really doubt that that will change, it's part of me, but i will try to control it with all my strenght and I'm sure that I will be able to do it. But once again, I still need some guidance, but this time, I'm not asking it, or requesting it, I'm just going with the flow. Time is too short for me to be waiting for a change of hearts, or for shits like that, hell, this fucking life is too much precious to be spent with stupid fights with people that do not care, nor know you. It's too much precious to be lost in cries and shouts.

Nay, I do not want that for me anymore, okay, I'm not ready emotionally, physically and psychologically, nor prepared, to give myself to someone right now… due to what I told some lines above, but i'm prepare to drop from this solitude of mine and return to the real world. Meanwhile, if anything else happened in between I will accept it, but I will not look for it.

They say that everything happens for a reason, and what is meant to happen, will happen, so for now, I'm just laying low, enjoying the ride and eagerly waiting for things to come, and with that, from now on, I will put my disgust, my hate, my hunger, my distrust, my care, my love and my pity a side to be able to regain what i've lost in this journey.

It scares the hell out of me, but I'm positive that I will be able to return to live, I do not know how, or when, but I Will.

As for the rest, a couple of days ago someone told me that I was full of lies and shits. Well I was indeed, I lied, half-lied and omitted a lot of stuff in the name of love and happiness, and that was a mistake, now I see it, so, point taken, and I moved on. But as for the affirmation that I needed to stop blowing smoke in your ass, cause it will ruin your autopsy. Guess what, no more smoke from me anymore, 'cause from now on, I do not give a shit about what you want or do anymore.

Now it's my time to shine once again, it's time to make a brand new start once again in my life.